Were The Signs There?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a diminished ability to empathize with other people's feelings. Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the subtypes of the broader category known as personality disorders.

In my opinion, the term “narcissist” took off recently, maybe because of social media. It seemed like an overly used term people had just learned. It’s easy to drop it in a conversation as a “buzzword” to describe someone. I’ve always known what it meant, and thought I could quickly identify it in a person….until I couldn’t.

Being a victim of a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complete mind fuck. What makes it so bad is you don’t even realize it’s happening. You start to question everything. You internalize everything and make up bogus scenarios in your mind to cope. You find yourself lost and confused, wondering WTF just happened. You start to become insecure. You begin to think you are going crazy because things make no sense in the relationship, but you think the relationship is worth fighting for. You start making excuses for their behavior to your family and friends. Ultimately, though, the relationship isn’t going to get better.

When you pride yourself In being a strong individual like I do, becoming a victim of anything is mind-blowing because you think… no, not me. I’m the strong one; I’m the one who has it together. When you finally realize what happened, you blame yourself. You think, “Why did I put up with that for so long?” and “Why didn’t I see the signs?” You’re angry, you want closure, you want revenge, and you want to harm that person just as much as they’ve harmed you. You want immediate Karma, and think to take it into your own hands… because, how dare they think they can play you like that?

I think we all have narcissistic tendencies to a degree. We should all think highly of ourselves, and sometimes we’re all a little manipulative, but there is a spectrum. Narcissists have an outrageous sense of self-importance. They are unable to or unwilling to recognize the needs and feelings of others. They feel like they have never been able to be their “true selves” and gain acceptance from others. Therefore, they split into their authentic self and their false self. The person they are and the person they want to be. They never really experienced love the way an emotionally healthy person does, so to cope, they morph themselves into a false reality and false sense of self. It's hell to pay when someone interferes with the person they have created. It comes in the form of insults, stonewalling, devaluing you, talking behind your back, etc. All of these are forms of emotional abuse.

For a while, I tormented and blamed myself for what I endured. I had to realize that nothing I said or did would have changed the outcome. Replaying things in my head only added to my depression and anxiety, and it just wasn't worth it. Sometimes, people can’t show up for you like you need them to because they don’t know how to, and that’s real. It takes work that both people in the relationship are willing to do. It’s easy to give up, but knowing when enough is enough is essential. I am far from perfect, but I know I had the best Intentions. I am grateful and accepting that this journey is a marathon, not a race.

With all that being said, I take accountability for my role. I allowed a lot of things that I should not have. I diminished who I was and wasn’t kind to myself. If I’m being sincere, I should have never gotten married—the signs were there, but I ignored them. I wanted to follow my way of doing things instead of God's path. When you don't follow God's order, he will disrupt whatever you think you have planned. Even when you don't understand, he's working to put things in order according to his word. That discernment came when I needed it, and I’m so grateful to be on the other side.

Talking about this is uncomfortable, but it's my truth. There may be people experiencing this same thing who cannot recognize what they are feeling. God put this on my heart to share my experience.

“The steps of a man is ordered by the Lord who takes delight in his journey”- Psalms 37:23.

LLL😘