Infertility

Since I was young, I always envisioned I’d be a mother. I had it planned out. Great career, marriage, and a child or two by 32. 32 was my cut-off because that's when my mother gave birth to me. I'd still be young but old enough to be established and able to raise children. I always thought when it was time, without question, it would happen…until It didn’t.

I've started having very heavy and painful menstrual cycles in my mid-20s. At first, I thought it was normal that my cycle had just changed, but eventually, something didn't feel right. This prompted me to see a doctor in 2016. I found out that I had several large fibroids. My doctor told me that my choices were to have a hysterectomy, which would remove my uterus altogether, or a myomectomy - a major surgical procedure In which I would have an incision through the skin on the lower abdomen to remove the fibroids. I was 31 at the time and still wanted to have children. I opted for the myomectomy. I was told there was a 50% chance they could return. My doctor also said to me that because of the surgery, when I did have children, it would be an automatic C-section. I later found out through research that that isn’t necessarily true.

The aftermath was painful. I was in the hospital for two days and home recovering for about four weeks. After that, my cycle was a little better, but not much. I continued to suffer in silence for years, constantly taking birth control to skip my period. In 2021, I decided to go back to the doctor, and after I had an ultrasound, I discovered that some fibroids had returned. This time, I was scheduled to have a hysteroscopy exam to remove the fibroids. A hysteroscopy involves inserting a rigid or flexible hysteroscope through the cervical canal into the uterus. After this surgery, things still didn’t seem to get much better.

In 2022, my ex and I were trying for a baby, but nothing happened. I decided to go to a fertility clinic to make sure everything was fine. After numerous exams and procedures, I discovered that my fibroids were back again. I also had a blocked fallopian tube and very low Follicle-Stimulating Hormones (FSH), as well as low Anti-Müllerian hormones (AMH) levels. This means that I have fewer eggs than usual, which makes it more difficult to conceive and for treatment to work. You are born with the number of eggs you will have; as you age, they decrease. My chances were about 30%.

During this time, my marriage was very rocky, and I had little to no support throughout the entire journey. It was tough. I subconsciously thought a child would save us, even though I knew it wouldn’t.

I noticed a few things while going through this experience. One- there were no women of color being treated that I saw. Two- why isn’t infertility talked about in our community? I thought it would happen when it was time for me to have children. I wish I had known earlier to get checked. Maybe then I could have started the process of freezing when I had more eggs. Three- a sound support system is necessary. It's a very traumatic experience.

By the end of 2022, my marriage was over, and I no longer felt like I wanted to conceive. I was tired. But

because my fibroids came back, and I was still in pain, I decided to have yet another surgery. This time, I was referred to a new doctor who I felt cared for and understood. She was a Reproductive endocrinology and infertility doctor. Because of the size of the fibroids, I had to have two procedures to remove them.

After this, I briefly revisited the options for IVF and freezing. We tested my eggs, and I discovered I had minimal viable eggs. Subpar egg quality yields fewer retrieved eggs and reduces the success of fertilization. It also lowers the chance of viable embryos. The process would be costly, and I didn’t want to keep putting myself through the agony of it all, so I stopped.

People ask me if I think adoption or fostering is an option. I’m not against that, but I’m also not in a space right now where I feel that’s something I want to do.

The next time you question why a person doesn’t have children, consider that some people do not want children- which is ok. Some people physically can not have children. I see so many insensitive things about women who don’t have children, and it’s triggering.

I don’t feel sorry for myself or question God's plan for my life. I’ve come to terms with the fact that motherhood may not be in the cards for me. Would I love to know what that type of love feels like? Sure, but I’m blessed and grateful for my village, who surround me with abundant love and has had all the children for me…lol.

If you’re considering having children but you’re maybe not ready yet, I encourage you to research a fertility clinic to check your levels and explore your options. Also, if you have fibroids, research; what you put in your body matters. A balanced diet and exercise help tremendously. Some holistic doctors and treatments specialize in this work. Advocate for yourself, and get multiple opinions if you need them. Don't let anyone dictate what happens to your body. I made the best decisions for me, and you should, too.

LLL- 😘