I Dont Feel Like It!

I was talking to my therapist about everything happening in my life. About how sometimes I'm just tired. She asked what does it look like for you to rest. I told her I take time, but it's never constant because it can't be. Life can't just stop, so I rest. Sometimes, it gets a little overwhelming, but I will always do what needs to be done. She then went on to say that she thinks I need healthy companionship. I sat back and thought about that for a minute. I think I've probably only been in something I would call healthy maybe twice, and it wasn't for very long. So, honestly, I don't know what that feels like. I told her all my relationship and dating woes, and she said she thinks that I feel I wont find healthy companionship. I don't know that I believe it can't happen; I guess I'm tired and don't feel like going through the motions. I honestly don't feel like being bothered. We all have baggage, and no one is perfect, but it seems like I run across people with numerous suitcases, and I don't have the patience to sift through all the luggage. Some of this is my fault, though, because, in the past, I've seen that raggedy Samsonite from a mile away and still helped them unpack their mess. All while my luggage is still in baggage claim. So I'm used to a bit of drama.

This has left me in a place where I'm triggered easily, and I'm highly independent. Some days I would love to have a companion because let's be honest,

I don't want to have it be the sole one figuring out stuff and taking care of shit. We all want help, and not just financially. I'm talking emotionally, too. Someone who understands you and wants to see you happy. Someone who can lead with confidence, integrity, and actions. We want to be soft and feminine chile. I honestly feel like it's more trouble than it's worth most of the time. 😩

I was conversing with a young man who said he's never going to go for a woman who is too independent because she won't need him. He wants a woman who doesn't have everything together because it's easier for her to submit. This was a much younger man, so some of his thought processes may be because of his age, but I, too, have dated men who have deemed me as “too independent.” I found that it makes some men feel emasculated or a little insecure. That's not on me; you have to have your own confidence.

I read that breaking your trust or experiencing betrayal can lead to hyper-independence ― especially if you have been let down repeatedly. Since the people you trusted ended up unreliable, it can lead to never wanting to trust someone else again. I do believe this, but I want to think the right person can reverse this feeling.

I think a lot of my independence has to do with my upbringing. I was raised in a single-parent home. I never saw a healthy relationship where a man and a woman undoubtedly had each other's back. On one hand, I think my independence is a gift because I know how to navigate life and make it happen. On the other hand, I think it hinders me from allowing people in because I don't feel safe.

I have a friend who I've known since I was 18 or 19. We briefly dated, but it didn't last. We've always been cool and kept in contact, but the timing was never right. Now, here we are 20 years later there is still some love there. Initially, I thought it may be the right time to see where things could go, but he's inconsistent, and I'm fragile. Plus, if a man wants you, he will always come and get you and ensure you feel safe.

Maybe a “healthy” relationship is in the cards at some point. Dating selectively and looking for someone who is a good fit is exhausting right now. Eventually, I'm sure I will jump back out there, but I don't have the energy. I love them, but men get on my nerves. 🙃

P.S.- These are solely my thoughts. I do not speak for all women.

LLL😘